he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
