So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
