oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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