I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
