thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
