Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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