So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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