just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
