Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
