Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
did i walk over a car last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
