I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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