U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
