I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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