You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
