ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
