Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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