the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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