you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
