it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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