Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Porn is love you can see.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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