sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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