I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
