so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
