On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
