it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
