gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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