"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
