Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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