and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
