note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis needs a shock collar
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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