Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
