Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
