Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
