he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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