It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
