how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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