Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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