Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
