i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
