dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
