Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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