the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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