I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
