I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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