i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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