Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
