Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize