I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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