i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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