I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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