3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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