it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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