Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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