Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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