i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
