Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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