You're a womanizer and a bitch.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
