We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
