shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
